Supporting Family Members
Carmen and I discovered that family is critical in end-of-life care and support. But there are many ways to support a family member. What are the issues? How do you address the issues?
Supporting family members is something we’ve all done at some point. If we have children, we support our children; spouse, we support our spouse. If we have pets (and most of us consider them part of the family), we support our pets. If we have parents, we support our parents.
Different Types Of Family Support
There are many types of support. Knowing some of these can help us better assess and select the types of support best suited for different challenges.
Emotional Support
Support through listening and acknowledging. It involves empathy and understanding. It can involve caringly touching and smiling. It includes being respectful of feelings, giving gifts or sending cards, compliments and saying “I love you.”
Companionship Support
Spending time with someone. It can be in person or by phone. It usually involves positive environments. Challenging environments are more likely to come under coping support. There are people you call to go party with and people you call when you get bad news from the oncologist. In many cases they’re different people, with different skills.
Coping Support
Coping refers to strategies used to address and deal with challenging situations. They can be cognitive, behavioral, emotional, and intellectual. When we support someone trying to cope with difficult challenges, we are supporting them on a coping level.
Informational Support
This is support with information, advice or knowledge.
Material / Resource Support
Material or resource support involves things like letting someone live temporarily or long-term in your house or letting someone borrow your car.
Financial Support
This involves money. It may be in the form of a gift or a loan. Or it can involve helping someone acquire something with a loan by co-signing for a loan.
Most of us like supporting our family, friends, and community. We’ll do it for our entire life. However, it’s important to know our limits. If we overstep our capacity, we can easily become in need of support from those we were trying to support.
What Are The Limits of Family Support?
Do we have lots of free time to spend with friends and family? Have we taken vacations and had all the adventures we want? If yes to both questions, spend all your time with friends and family needing companionship.
Are we an emotional rock? Have we conquered our emotional challenges regarding illness and trauma? If yes to both questions, use all your emotional reserves with friends and family needing emotional support.
Do we have millions of dollars to give to friends and family? Are we confident money will solve their challenges? If yes to both questions, give away your abundance of money to solve the problems of your friends and family.
What Carmen and I learned in discussing issues with over 1,000 seniors is that those that plan and budget their support do best. Planning and budgeting looks something like the following.
A Sample Plan For Interacting With Family & Friends
Month of February
Weekly family activities:
> Tuesday morning golf with gals
> Tuesday night, drop off meals for Bob and the kids
> Thursday afternoon coffee with Beth
> Thursday morning Tennis with gals
> Wednesday Bible study
> Sunday Church activities
> Sunday dinner for kids and grandkids
Calls
> Wendy – see how cancer treatment progressing
> Charles – see how he’s doing after loss of wife
> Annamarie – see how she’s coping with Father’s Alzheimer’s
Monthly Money Budgeted For Gifts
> $500
> Birthdays: J.S.; W.P.;L.Y.;S.G.;Sc.G;B.W.
Holidays & Misc
Monthly
Month of March
Weekly family activities:
> Tuesday morning golf with gals
> Tuesday night, drop off meals for Bob and the kids
> Thursday afternoon coffee with Beth
> Thursday morning Tennis with gals
> Wednesday Bible study
> Sunday Church activities
> Sunday dinner for kids and grandkids
Calls:
> Wendy – see how cancer treatment progressing
> Charles – see how he’s doing after loss of wife
> Annamarie – see how she’s coping with Father’s Alzheimer’s
Monthly Money Budgeted For Gifts:
> $200
> Birthdays: X.A.; M.P.;L.L.;S.S.;Y.B;A.K.
Holidays & Misc:
- > Easter dinner
Month of April
Weekly family & friend activities:
> TRIP this month, cancel activities
> Tuesday morning golf with gals
> Tuesday night, drop off meals for Bob and the kids
> Thursday afternoon coffee with Beth
> Thursday morning Tennis with gals
> Wednesday Bible study
> Sunday Church activities
> Sunday dinner for kids and grandkids
Calls:
> Wendy – see how cancer treatment progressing
> Charles – see how he’s doing after loss of wife
> Annamarie – see how she’s coping with Father’s Alzheimer’s
Monthly Money Budgeted For Gifts, Donations:
> $300
> Birthdays: A.A.; C.M.;W.L.
Holidays & Misc:
> 3 week trip to AZ, CA & OR
> Start of Church Spring planning
Miscellaneous Thoughts
As seniors, our ability to support others is not infinite. Nor is it always in our best interest. A budget allows us to balance the effort, time and resources we give to others. It also accounts for the effort, time and resources we need to live our life.
Also see Should I Take Money From A Parent and Giving Money Away.
Additional Resources On Family Support
Sandwich Generation
Middle-aged adults who are caring for both their aging parents and their own children are known as the sandwich generation. Family support is hardest for this group.
See the Pew Research Center’s report on the sandwich generation here.
Family Support Best Practices
See our Best Practices in our Family Communication Section here.