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Moving In With A Sibling

As a child, you shared a house with your siblings. As a senior, are you ready to move in with a sibling as an adult? What do you do? What are the issues? How do you address them?

Sibling relationships come in all shapes and sizes. For example, some siblings grow up together, sharing everything. Some take these experiences into adulthood. They live near each other and never miss their nieces and nephews’ birthdays, baseball games, or graduations. Also, they run carpools for their nieces and nephews. In addition, they babysit. They make dinners and weekend breakfasts for each other. Some may even live with their sibling and help with rent.

cohabitation with siblings, living with a sibling
Moving In With A Sibling

Easy Choice To Move In With A Sibling

If you fall into the category above, having a sibling move in is a no-brainer. You’ve been enjoying their company, and they yours. Review and take what seems helpful from the information below. But you practically live together already, so taking the additional step is likely an easy one.

What To Consider Before Moving In With A Sibling

But for the rest of us, things aren’t so easy. For example, a third of us don’t talk to one of our siblings. For half of us, the only time we spend time with our siblings is at special events like Thanksgiving, marriages, and children’s graduations. Less than 10 % of us take regular vacations with our siblings.

So moving in with a sibling entails a lot of issues we simply haven’t experienced. Obviously, how we go about these experiences is critical. Here are important questions you should think about. Getting answers to these questions is often the only way to minimize confusion and future disagreement. Unquestionably, predicting possible challenges and addressing them early will minimize disputes and how to handle them.

Housing Issues To Consider Before Moving In With A Sibling

For housing, cohabitation with siblings is generally about privacy, behaviors, longevity, and surprises from others.

Sibling Privacy

Without a doubt, privacy is a big issue for many seniors. For example, have I become accustomed to certain things that I need to stay happy?

  • How much privacy do I want?
    • Do I need a private bedroom
    • Do I need a private or bathroom?
  • As a sibling, how much privacy do I need?
    • Do I need a private bath, versus sharing it with my sibling?
    • Would sharing create an environment that I couldn’t live with?
    • Might my siblings other family members move in at some point, and would this create problems I couldn’t live with?

Sibling Behaviors

In addition to privacy issues, general behaviors should be considered. For example, what happens as we age and lose mobility?

  • Are there things that embarrass me that I wouldn’t want to live around?
    • Sibling’s drug use
    • Sibling walking around the house naked
    • Sibling talking about sex
  • Siblings engaging in activities that I can’t be around like political activism, proselytizing (for a religion or cause I don’t share, etc.)
  • Are their sexual preferences I need to know about, be sensitive about, or one’s I don’t want to be exposed to?
  • Are weapons allowed in the house?
    • Do they have to be locked up?
    • Is there or should there be a plan to remove the weapons as we age?

Longevity

Unlike the challenges above, longevity permeates everything. For example, the longer we live, the greater the opportunity for new or more serious challenges.

  • Are we committed to this living arrangement forever?
  • As a sibling, will I require the house to be retrofitted or remodeled
  • What are my objectives, for the house, for my sibling’s home?
  • What will I need long to the home to meet those objectives?
  • What are the costs of these changes (See Retrofitting Section here and Remodeling Section here)?

Surprises

Unlike some of the issues in their article, surprises are just that. Something largely unpredictable. For example, what happens if one of us wins the lottery?

  • How do we handle other family members, like one of our children or grandchildren moving in?
  • Is it OK to have a live-in boyfriend or girlfriend?
  • If one of us gets married, what’s the best option?
    • Do I move out, do you, do we all stay?

Health Issues

For cohabitation with siblings, health issues generally address issues of what happens as one or both sibling’s health declines.

  • What if I or my sibling needs to address ADLs and IADLs?
  • What’s my, or my siblings, level of health?
  • Based on my level of health, what are my needs?
  • Based on my sibling’s level of health, what are their needs?

Finance Issues

For cohabitation with siblings, finance issues generally address issues of what are we working with in terms of money and resources. Do we even want to tell one another? Are we aware of how to expand these resources? What happens if one of us runs out of money? Who is responsible for what? Finally, what happens as one or both siblings’ health declines?

My Finances or Our Finances?

How are financial responsibilities divided? For example, do we split everything or apportion based on ability to pay. Alternatively, do we agree to assess costs before we move in together. Regardless of what we do, knowing the issues allows us to consider them before moving in together.

  • Who is responsible for paying the mortgage (or rent)?
  • Do I, my sibling, or both reveal our financial resources?
    • If the commitment s for the rest of our lives, knowing what we bring to the financial resource table may be very important.
  • Can these resources be expanded?
  • What will my resources pay for?
  • What will my sibling’s resources pay for?
  • Are we planning on comingling resources?

Family Resources

In addition to sibling finances, family finances also come into play.

  • Do we combine resources?
    • Do our nuclear families (children and grandchildren) support just me or both of us?
  • If families contribute, how much is the family willing to contribute?
    • Is it for just me or to support the household?
  • What family members want to help me (my biological children, my stepchildren, etc.)?
  • Does this include both money and other resources (e.g., caregiving, respite help, etc.)?

Community Resources

Siblings should also consider community resources/

  • What are the available community resources?
    • Church and faith-based programs
    • Meals on wheels
    • Senior centers
  • Have I as a senior, made a valiant effort to uncover my available resources?
  • Or do I expect my sibling to do the work?

Responsibilities

Regardless of the above issues, who takes responsibility for these issues permeates every challenge. Is it you or your sibling? For example, if you become disabled, is your sibling willing to take responsibility?

  • Who is responsible for paying the mortgage?
  • Who pays for needed remodeling or retrofitting required by me or my sibling?
  • Who pays for the caregiving services I need?
  • Conversely, who pays for the caregiving services my sibling needs?
  • Who pays for respite care my children need?
  • Who pays for holidays?
  • Who pays for my family’s holidays even if I’m not included?

End of Life Chores Issues To Consider Before Moving In With A Sibling

  • Have I completed my end-of-life tasks (POAs, AMD, Will, other estate planning vehicles)?
  • Do my end-of-life chores reflect the new living arrangement I am seeking?
  • Can I modify my end-of-life chores before cohabitation?

Family Communication Issues To Consider Before Moving In With A Sibling

For cohabitation with siblings, family communication generally focuses on communication styles, lifestyles, and preferences.

Communication Styles

  • Do I, as a senior, know how to communicate effectively with my sibling?
  • Does my sibling know how to communicate effectively communicate with me?
  • Do we default into childhood communication methods?
    • Is this alright?
    • Might it place difficulties in addressing hard questions like money, health, and behaviors?
    • Is there a strategy to create better or effective communication when addressing hard questions?

Lifestyle & Preferences

In addition to the communication styles above, lifestyle and preferences can create challenges.

  • Will the move take me away from people or activities I Iove?
    • What’s the replacement strategy
  • Does my sibling do things that bother or upset me?
    • How will these issues be addressed (i.e., who will step down or agree to compromise)?
  • Do I like being in the company of a sibling for long periods of time?
    • Are there identifiable issues?
  • Am I comfortable discussing it if I don’t like something my sibling does?

In addition, see our Family Communication Section here.

Other Resources On Living With A Sibling

A good article on adult sibling cohabitation here.

Another interesting take on living with a married sibling here.

Finally, make sure you review our Section on Family Communication here.