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Senior Moving In With A Child

As a senior, you (or you and your spouse) have an opportunity to move in with one of your children. What do you do? What are the issues? How do you address the issues?

Living With A Child, Sharing A House With A Child, Sharing A Home With A Child, Senior Moving in with Adult Child
Moving In With A Child

No matter who we are, our historical relationship is with family. As a result, as we age, family matters more and more. See our Family Communication Section here for more information. For a quick take on moving in with an adult child keep reading.

Obvious Times A Senior Can Move In With A Child

As seniors we’ve been around for sixty, seventy, or more years. For some of us we’ve spent every Sunday of those years with our kids or parents. Mornings in Church and evening dinner. We’ve shared so much time together the grandkids don’t know who is making their breakfast in the morning. Some of us may have prayed less in Church, and had fewer Sunday dinners, or made a few less breakfasts for the grandkids, but we’ve always lived minutes from our children and they from us. We are a multigenerational community-based family.

This is the kind of situation where moving n with a child makes sense. At the very least, you both know a to about each other. And odds are, you wouldn’t;t be spending so much time together if you didn’t like the time you shared.

There are also families, cultures, and ethnicities that know parents move in with their children. They’ll know at what age and physical condition, the room the parent will move into, the expected behavior, and the required financial contribution.

Therefore, if the scenarios describe above are familiar, moving in with an adult child is easy. Take what seems helpful from the information below.

The Not So Obvious Times Obvious Times To Move In With A Child

However, for the rest of us, the thought of moving in with a child is more complicated. As seniors, we’ve valued our independence and enjoyed our privacy. We’ve spent our child-rearing years rearing and our senior years retired from rearing. We like the ability to do what we want when we want. But our kids may be in a very different place. They may still be managing their own children. Also, they may be working and building a retirement nest egg. They may be struggling in their marriage. Adding another person to their household may be a challenge.

Use The CarePlanIt Framework To Decide If You Should over In With A Child

CarePlanIt has a consistent framework we use to examine all aging issues. We look at housing, health, finances, family communication and end-of-life chores. For multigenerational living, CarePlanIt looks at housing, health, and finances. But with a little twist, because we know the senior and their children are living together (or will try).

Quick Tips

Consider the issues and questions below.

Housing

Seniors should consider housing. Housing is a senior’s number one concern. Therefore, a serious housing issue can impair successful cohabitation.

Privacy
  • As a parent, how much privacy do you want?
    • Do you need a private bedroom or bath
  • How much privacy do you expect as a parent?
    • Is a private bath a necessity versus sharing it with the two grandkids?
  • As a parent, are there things that embarrass you that you wouldn’t want to live around?
    • Drug use
    • Child walking around the house naked
Home’s Physical Structure
  • As a senior, will I require the house to be retrofitted or remodeled?
  • What are my objectives, for the house, for my child’s home?
  • To meet those objectives, what needs to be done?
  • What are the costs associated with these changes?

See our Retrofitting Section here, and our Remodeling Section here for more information.

Health

Seniors should consider health. Bad health has severe consequences on finances. Therefore, a serious health issue can impair successful cohabitation.

ADLs/IADLs
  • As an elder, I know I will have to address ADLs and IADLs
    • What’s my level of health?
    • Based on this level of health, what are my needs?
    • What’s my plan for addressing issues when I get worse and need more help
      • Do I have a trigger (milestone) where I’ll go to an assisted living facility or nursing home?

See our Health Section here for a comprehensive discussion on ADLs and IADLs (assessment of the level of assistance needed by the senior).

Finances

Seniors should consider finances. Bad finances have severe consequences on everything. Therefore, serious money issue can impair successful cohabitation

Senior’s Financial Situation

> Does the child (and family) know all my financial resources?

> Do I want to tell them?

> If I don’t want to tell them, do I have to tell them?

Pros & Cons Of sharing Financial Information With A Child

Do I share my financial information with the child I’m planning on living with?

Pros
  • Transparency
  • Openness and honesty
Cons
  • Their knowledge may impair my spending ability
  • I spend money in areas I don’t want them interfering with
  • I have special friends or causes they would not approve of
Can I Expand My Resources?

It’s always good to as the question, “How can I expand my resources?”

  • What might I do to increase my resources?
  • What will my resources pay for?
    • Home remodeling?
    • In home care
    • Respite care for family members

Also, see our Taking Money From a Parent Section here and Using Parent’s Money Section here.

Family Resources

Using family resources is how most families manage an agent parent. The resources may be the parents or other family members. Here are some issues to explore.

  • Does the child have resources to help a parent?
  • If my child doesn’t;t, are their family resources available?
  • How much is the family willing to contribute to a parent?
  • What family members want to help me (my biological children, my stepchildren, etc.)?
    • Is this explained to my family?
    • If some family members help and others don’t, do I owe any duties to those helping?
      • Do I stop taking the non-helpers on vacations?
      • What about paying for their dinners?
  • Does this include both money and other resources (e.g., caregiving, respite help, etc.)?
  • Will some of my children help pay for their sibling’s costs of helping me?
Community Resources

What are the available community resources for me and my family?

  • Church outreach programs
  • Meals on wheels
  • Local senior center
  • Rideshare

Is it my responsibility as a senior to discover and use these resources? Or do I expect my child to do that for me?

Responsibilities

There are many financial household responsibilities. Discussing these before moving in can establish expectations.

Who is responsible for the following:

  • Paying for my child’s mortgage
  • Any needed remodeling or retrofitting of my child’s home
  • Caregiving services I need
  • Respite care my children, if needed
  • Holidays
  • My family’s holidays even if I’m not included
  • Does my family I’m living with take me on vacation?
  • Is the family I’m not living with responsible for taking me on holiday?

End of Life Chores

Are These Chores In Place?

Do I have an updated:

  • Will
  • Trust and estate plan
  • Advance medical directive
  • Power of attorney
  • POLST or DNR
  • Funeral plan
  • Does my family know how I want to be buried?

If I do have these in place have I reviewed them to make sure they’re current? Have I shown them to my children?

If I Don’t Have These, Do I Want My Family To Figure Things Out?

If so, have I explored the issues below?

  • Do I understand how disruptive it may be to my family if I don’t do my chores?
  • If I do and choose not to do them, have I told my children I don’t care, it’s their problem.

Do my end-of-life chores reflect the new living arrangement I am seeking?

Can I modify my end-of-life chores to reflect my new situation? cohabitation?

Family Communication

Communication Styles
  • Do I, as a senior, know how to communicate effectively with my child?
  • What about communicating with my child’s spouse or partner?
  • Is there a strategy to create at least initial communication with my child and family?
  • Do I plan on winging it?
Lifestyle & Preferences

How will this move affect my social life? The issues below should be addressed.

  • Will the move take me away from people or activities I love?
  • What’s the replacement strategy
  • Without one, is it likely I’ll get depressed and put a burden on my family?

How will I and my child resolve common concerns and issues?

  • Does my child do things that bother or upset me?
    • How will these issues be addressed (i.e., who will step down or agree to compromise)
  • Do I like being in the company of the family for long periods of time?
    • Are there clearly identifiable issues?
  • Am I comfortable discussing it if I don’t like something my child does?

See our Section on Communication Styles here.

Here are some other communication issues worth considering.

  • What happens if key issues are not confronted?
  • Do I have any anger issues?
  • What if my child has anger issues?
  • Do we have a history of good or bad communication?

If any of the above are true a strategy should be set up to address them.

Dependency Issues
  • Can I properly adjust to being dependent?
  • Do I know my limits, and can I agree on what represents my limits?
  • Can I grant control to my child?
  • What decisions are my child, and what are mine?
Pet Issues
  • Can I bring my pet(s) to live with me?
  • Who pays for their care?
  • If I can’t care for my pets anymore, who will?
  • Can my pets stay if they start damaging property?
Vacation & Holidays
  • Can I have a say in family social decisions such as holidays and weekend activities?
  • Will I allow my family to use vacations and holidays as respite opportunities from me?
  • Can I bring a special friend?
  • Does our family discuss these issues?

The above issues are a few of the more common issues that arise when a senior moves in with a child.

Other Resources On A Senior Moving In With A Child

Great article on moving in with the kids here.

Another interesting take on seniors living with their children here.