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Parent(s) Want To Move In

You’ve been out of your parent’s home for years. What do you do when a parent wants to move in with you? What are the issues? How do you address the issues?

Allowing Parents To Move In, Dad Wants To Move In, Mom Wants To Move In
Parents Want To Move In

Children Who Can’t Wait For Their Parents To Move In

Americans love vacations: whether it’s to Hawaii, Orlando, the Grand Canyon, Smoky Mountains, Mount Rushmore, Coast of Maine, Hollywood, San Juans, Yellowstone, or the Gulf Shores. If you can’t even imagine visiting one of these places without your parents and kids, you’re a multigeneration vacationer. In other words, your idea of a great vacation is a staycation, and the best staycation imaginable is inviting your kids and parents over for a week-long cuddle fest, you’re a multigeneration staycationer.

If you fall into the category above, having mom, dad, or both move in is a no-brainer. You’ve been enjoying their company, and they yours for your collective lives. Take what seems helpful from the information below.

Things To Consider When A Parent Wants To Move In

Housing Issues To Consider Before A Parent Moves In

For housing, co-residency with a parent is generally about privacy, behaviors, longevity, and surprises from others.

Parent Privacy

Most seniors are accustomed to a certain level of privacy.

  • How much privacy does my parent(s) want?
    • Do they need a private bedroom or bath
  • How much privacy does my parent(s) expect?
    • Is a private bath a necessity versus sharing it with others?
  • Do my parent(s) do things that embarrass me or that I or my spouse wouldn’t want to live around?
    • Drug use
    • Walking around the house naked
    • Too much open intimacy

Place

Like privacy, what my home allows me to do is also important. For example, can the home accommodate my physical needs?

  • Will my home require retrofitting or remodeling
  • What are my objectives for the house?
  • Can I meet those objectives?
  • What are the costs associated with these changes (See our Sections on Retrofitting here and Remodeling here)

Health

For cohabitation with siblings, health issues generally address issues of what happens as one or both siblings’ health declines.

  • What if my parent has issues with ADLs and IADLs?
    • Do I know their current level of health?
  • What are my plans to address their ADL and IADL issues in the future?
    • Do I have a plan and agreement with my parent(s)?

Finance Issues To Consider Before A Parent Moves In

For cohabitation with our parent(s), finance issues generally address issues of who pays for what and what happens if my parent(s) health declines?

Senior’s Finances

  • Will my parent(s) share information about their financial resources?
  • Should my parent(s) share information about their financial resources?
  • What can their resources pay for and how long will they last?
  • Can these resources be expanded?

Also, see our Sections Taking Money From a Parent here and Supporting Other Family MembersOther here.

Family Resources

  • > Does the family have resources to help a parent?
  • > How much is the family willing to contribute to a parent?
  • > What family members want to help me (my biological children, my stepchildren, etc.)?
  • > Does this include both money and other resources (e.g., caregiving, respite help, etc.)?
  • > Will some of my siblings help pay for my costs?

Community Resources

  • What are the available community resources for my parent(s)?
    • Church, faith-based, community programs
    • Meals on wheels
    • Senior centers
  • Should I insist that my parent(s) make a valiant effort to uncover available resources?
  • Or do I expect to do the work?

Responsibilities

  • Do my parent(s) help with rent/mortgage?
  • If I need to remodel or retr
  • Who pays for caregiving services if needed?
  • If I need to remodel or retrofit my home to accommodate my parents, who pays?
  • Who pays for respite care if I need it?
  • Who pays for holidays?
  • Do I invite my parent(s) on vacation or to holidays (the ones with my spouse’s family)?

End of Life Chores

Equally important to housing and finances are end-of-life chores. These are your Wills, Trusts, POAs and AMDs.

  • Do I insist my parents complete their end-of-life tasks (POAs, AMD, Will, other estate planning vehicles)?
  • Do their end-of-life chores reflect the new living arrangement?
  • Can or should my parent(s) modify their end-of-life chores prior to moving in?

Family Communication Issues To Consider Before A Parent Moves In

Communication Styles

  • Do I know how to communicate effectively with my parent(s)?
  • Does my spouse know how to communicate effectively with my parent(s)?
  • Should I get communication training to help if I, or my spouse, has a history of communication problems?
  • Is there a strategy to create at least initial communication with my parents?

Lifestyle & Preferences

  • Will the move take my parent(s) away from people or activities they Iove?
    • What’s the replacement strategy?
  • Do I or my spouse do things that would bother or upset my parent(s)?
    • How will these issues be addressed (i.e., who will step down or agree to compromise)
  • Do I like being in the company of the family for long periods?
    • Are there clearly identifiable issues?
  • Am I comfortable discussing it if I don’t like something my parent does?
    • See communication styles above

Dependency Issues

  • Can my parent(s) properly adjust to being dependent?
    • Will they allow others to make decisions for them?
    • Is there a known milestone or test that they agree can be used to determine when living with me is no longer safe or appropriate?
  • Do they know their limits, and can they agree on what represents their limits
  • Will I allow my parent(s) to bring their pet(s) to live with me?

Vacation & Holidays

  • Will I allow my parent(s) a say in family social decisions such as holidays and weekend activities?
  • Can I insist my parent(s) allow my family to use vacations and holidays as respite opportunities for me?
  • Do I even understand this concept or have these types of conversations?

Other Resources For When Parents Want To Move In

An interesting take on when parents want to move in here.

A good article on multigenerational living here.